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Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Tonight I read and stare at pictures and posts of you guys. I wonder if I would've been in it too if I was there. All of you looks so happy. After passing the boards, we we're given the right of passage to the working world with only few opportunities to a handful of hopefuls. I know I'm lucky to be able to continue a post grad degree, but I admit it's not as good without any of you here. Tonight I'm feeling all nostalgic. Browsing through your posts, and reading each of your struggles with finding jobs, and being bored at home, I envy you.As I see you guys blossom sailing through the waves, I see myself getting dulled a few notch down. As I'm sucked within the endless pages of medicine, I see you all enjoying the outside world together without a care in the world. I see you guys blossom even just through your posts. I see all of you growing and just having fun with it together. Sometimes I wonder if you'll still be my friends when I get back. Will you still treat me the same or will we have gone distant? Or will it be me who have changed?
I wasn't able to be close with all of you guys.. But still, we were all part of each others lives. I miss everything. I miss being excited to go to class just to have lunch with my friends. I miss staring blankly at the corners of the classroom. I miss chatting and getting crazy at small things. I miss all the little quirks and sudden bursts of laughter. I miss how we are all connected with each other's lives. I miss everything. I miss the simplicity of life back then. But this is life. We'll be going through different paths. We'll be making mistakes. We'll even be railroaded by life. And why am I even writing this speech? LOL! Nostalgia.
9:33 AM
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
...because I rant not, neither rave of what I feel, can you be so shallow as to dream that I feel nothing? ”
“I was the nicest person you'd ever want to know," Alex recalls, "but the world wasn't that way. The problem was that if you were just a nice person, you'd get crushed. I refused to live a life where people could do that stuff to me.”
I'm usually alone but not necessarily lonely. I've been in a phase where I simply pushed myself to be like everybody else. I punished myself for not being as outgoing as everybody else. I hated myself for spending more time with myself than with other people. I've been depressed as to why I am how I am. I admit. I've fallen to false social expectations.
"“Spend your free time the way you like, not the way you think you're supposed to.” -
I don't talk much and I'm not one to initiate small talks to strangers. I am a spectator of life. I enjoy watching other people do their own thing. I am fascinated by how different people and things work. We've all been through those slightly "annoying" repeated encouragements to join or talk. Don't get me wrong, they are well-intended concerns, but I don't know if it's just me, but those encouragements only make me not talk and things are well, bounded to go awkward anyway.
“Though introverts are drained by interaction, we can take immense pleasure in watching the scene around us.”
I'm not shy, I'm reserved. You can call me shy and I'll still embrace that. I am an introvert and I love my quirks and awkwardness. But I know that in an Extrovert Ideal world, I can never fully embrace it. No matter how much I accept this part of me, there will always be times when I'll feel excluded because of the way I am. The mounting pressure in a new environment. Dozens of eyes expecting you to dance with them when your song is playing a different beat.
"Extroversion is an enormously appealing personality style, but we've turned it into an oppressive standard to which most of us feel we must conform.”
|“So stay true to your own nature. If you like to do things in a slow and steady way, don't let others make you feel as if you have to race. If you enjoy depth, don't force yourself to seek breadth. If you prefer single-tasking to multi-tasking, stick to your guns. Being relatively unmoved by rewards gives you the incalculable power to go your own way.” "
Just wanted to share a few thoughts and quotes ;)
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5:30 AM
Despite the anonymity, I have a bad habit of still being self-conscious on what I share on the internet. I'm irrationally afraid of loosening up a screw when deep inside, I know I'm pretty much fucked up to the bones. I write with all the constraints I usually have when I'm standing next to you. I'm pretentious and a coward. I try to be as nice as I appear to be to everybody else. Even I don't know what's underneath me. A bunch of skeletons hiding from the surface. I am this a big of a mess.
4:38 AM
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